just a note.

Just a reminder. Autistic people  arent afraid of the noises and lights and extra stimuli or being under stimulated. It literally HURTS us.  If you are trying to get your kid to get used to all the extra stimulation by forcing them into situations and then getting angry with them for having a meltdown or stimming. Just remind yourself that you are literally hurting them and then getting angry with them for not being able to deal with it.

Stimming

I have tried to put a lot of thought into this. Parts of it I took from a facebook post that I made.

Sometimes I may stim. It may be weird or embarrassing but it isnf about you. "Oh she's stimming this is embarrassing to me" are you really my friend if it embarrasses you?

Stimming is important. Its self regulation and self stimulation. Although I may not be able to tell you WHY I'm stimming it's important.

Vocalizing: I may make weird noises, mimic new words, repeat words over and over, sing, or hum. If I need to vocalize and I don't it hurts. My throat will begin to hurt and my ears will begin to hurt. Sometimes i can't control my vocalizing, this means it happens whether I want it to or not.

Physical movements: Shaking my legs up and down non stop this one I have no control over, it just happens. 

Counting on my fingers when there's nothing to count, I tap my fingers against each other. I usually do this when I'm trying to ward of a panic attack or when I'm overstimulated. 

Rocking is something I do when I'm overstimulated or im thinking too much. I dont know why it helps but it does.

Making funny faces like wiggling my eyebrows, doing weird things with my lips, or wiggling my nose. I do this because my face feels weird if I don't make faces it will start to hurt.(I dont know how to explain that my face feels weird)  

Occasionally I flap my arms. It relieves the tension in my arms as well as helps me regulate my senses. I do it yo show joy or occasionally when I'm angry or anxious. 

Drumming my fingers or dancing my fingers. Usually when I love the music, or I want to dance but I suck at dancing.

I Twirl my hair and rub my ears vecause it's comforting.

Problematic stims for me: picking my lips, chewing my fingers and nails, sucking my thumb, and scratching my head until its sore. These things usually occur when I'm stressed, overstimulated, understimulated, or upset.  They have always been difficult to stop. Having a leather bracelet with scented oils to smell helps sometimes.

If I don't appear to be distressed leat me stim.

 If I DO appear to be in distress my face may show it. I may begin to look around nervously. Look like I'm upset or anxious, about to cry or hyperventilating. If this is the case guide me away from the environment I'm in. Take me outside or somewhere quiet and either hold me tight (if I know you well) or wrap me in a blanket or jacket. 

This may look different for other autistic people. They may have different stims. Ask them what they need. Get to know what they need before you hang out with them. If they don't know what they need it may be because no one has cared before.

A little about me

This was supposed to be posted first. Oops. It's a rewrite of my intro.

Hi I'm Bella. I am 34 years old and I have a 14 year old boy I call monkey (in my old blog I called him bug lol), I have a 10 year old girl I call Rocky and a 1 year old boy I call Loki.

I don't know what I will write exactly, just its all about my life. Whatever things in this brain of mine that I want to share. A lot has changed since My old blog.

I have actual diagnoses now. Autism, learning disorders, ADHD, PTSD, OCD,depression, fibromyalgia, spondylitis,  GERD and anxieties.

I have learned so much about myself and i have joined a community of friends who accept me for who i am. 

I am learning how to accept myself for who i am, learn from my experiences, and learn self control and patience (i will get there eventually...i hope...this is a long slow process) 

I believe that i am socially awkward, though depending on which of my friends you ask they will either agree fully and tell me to embrace it, agree and tell you its aggravating, or completely disagree and say im fine and they dont know what im talking about lol.

About me: Autism - the sense of touch. (Cross Posted)

I posted his 1/29/17.

The sense of touch.
This is a complex one.
I can be over responsive and under responsive or craving stimuli I don’t seem to have an in between place.

Will start with the over responsive reactions to touch. You already know how over responsive I am to the other four senses, rarely under responsive with those ones. But touch is different.

Clothes.
Tags in clothes are in and of themselves some sort of torture device, I just know it.
Socks, How can people handle having their socks on sideways or upside down? Doesn’t the seam rub against your skin and hurt like hell? I have learned to check my socks before I put them on, strings and little pill balls of lint…it feels like I have rocks in my socks or something. I wear socks out of necessity, either to hide my feet in public, or to keep my feet and shoes from smelling horrible when I wear shoes…otherwise no socks! They make my feet feel so confined.
Jeans, real jeans not jeggings or spandexy jeans, but like the stiff wranglers and such….they feel like sandpaper, another clothing I am certain was made to torture me : (.
Bras, unfortunately with enormo boobs you gotta wear bras or your boobs will slap you in the face. But no matter how pretty underwire bras make my boobs look I refuse to wear underwire bras. And the rest of the bras….if its necessary for my boobs to look nice I will wear a real bra but I don’t know how people do it. I prefer my super awesome ultra hold sports bra lol, its silky and doesn’t pinch or poke me.
Gloves with fingers make my fingers feel confined…I’m ok with fingerless gloves.
Shirts…what can I say about shirts….my fave fabrics or cotton and anything soft or silky…pretty much anything else feels like sandpaper.

Being touched.
This one might be partially a PTSD thing…but if I don’t see you or feel your presence and you suddenly touch me, tap me on the shoulder, pat my back, wrap your arms around me, stand super creepy close behind me. I will get scared, I may or may not try to knock you out. Please do yourself a favor and like…I dunno, make some sort of noise to indicate that you are there.
Tickling. Ok tickles can be fun…I will admit that…but why do people feel the need to dig their fingers into me? Lighten up….literally…I’m sure quite a few people who aren’t autistic would appreciate this too!
Pinching and poking.
Pinching my arm, leg, side , or fat rolls feels like the mix between a punch and a bee sting….not good, not fun…just…don’t. I might try to push, slap, bite, or kick you for it.
Poking…..don’t poke me….ever…not even lightly…it feels like you just punched me and again I might try to push, slap, bite, or kick you for it.

Under responsive reactions to touch.

Clothes.
If you see me wearing a tight tank top or shirt and tight leggings under some clothes that look loose and comfy its possibly I really needed to feel the compression that day. I don’t wear clothes that were actually made as compression clothes because they can be expensive so I find tight clothes to wear under things. I like my fingerless gloves for the same reason I like the feeling of the gloves around my arms and fingers. I don’t know why I don’t like socks…it’s like my feet live in a parallel universe or something. My feet are all like “oh the rest of you want to feel something? Not me, I wanna be different! Mwahahaha !” my fingertips also apparently live in this parallel universe with my feet because they don’t like to be covered either.

Jewelry.
I love jewelry. I love sparkly shiny, fun, colorful, and bright things. But I can’t wear them for very long. Necklaces start to feel like they are rubbing my skin raw (they really are not, and I am not having an allergic reaction in this case) you might see me wearing a ton of really cute jewelry one moment and then no jewelry at all the next.

Pain.
This is a very tricky one. I am not sure if I am immune to regular everyday aches and pains because I have had the pains for so long that I no longer recognize it.
How long would it take your hand from a hot stovetop? Half a second? Less then half a second? It doesn’t register to me for longer then a second. Long enough to give myself a deep burn. I have scars on my stomach from leaning against the oven door while the oven is on and not even realizing I burnt myself on the oven door. Apparently I’m also unaware of my surroundings, my own body a lot lol.

About me: Autism - the senses. (Cross Posted)

Originally posted 1/29/17

The senses:

Sight – Someone please cover my eyes! Why oh why do I torture myself by going to the bar? The lights are almost always humming, not to mention the flickering, and the color….and then if someone turns on some “cool” flashing lights….omg…..driving along and hearing/seeing an ambulance behind me….you bet I’m pulling over….not only because it’s the right thing to do but also because you cant close your eyes and cover your ears while driving…then the lights keep flashing in your eyes long after they are gone and the sound rings in your ears when its no longer there….omg augh.
It’s mostly flashing, flickering lights that bug me the most….some types of lights, like whatever ones they use in walmart…and the ones they use in the gamestop I go to….i don’t know what kind of lights those are but they make me soo dizzy.
Eyes, they do a lot. Do you know what your eyes do while your talking? They move, the pupils dilate and shrink, they reflect the things that are behind me and they show so much emotion. If I am looking at your face, I am probably watching your lips move, it may appear I’m looking into your eyes, and occasionally I am, but my eyes are usually on your lips, trying to concentrate on what you are saying. If I am not looking at you while you are talking I am probably missing most of what you said.

Edit to add: if im constantly looking away i may be nervous, overstimulated,  or trying to process what you have said so far, i may need a change of scenery or i might just need a moment to process the conversation.

Taste – Tasting things is so much fun. Different foods, drinks, all kinds of things you can taste. But can you taste the air? I can. It usually taste like dirt, dust, or just this really weird indescribable taste. Sometimes I forget that I’m tasting the air and I think I have dirt or dust in my mouth and I try to spit it out. I can sometimes taste the silverware. I say I am tasting metal….i have no idea if that’s what the taste is but on those days I grab some plasticware. 

Sound - I can hear everything. I can hear some things you can’t. Some days all the sounds blend together. Imagine hearing the lights, the electrical sockets, the tv, the refrigerator, the computer, the washing machine, the dishwasher, the kids yelling, the cars going by, the people talking outside the window, and the stupid cricket that wont shut up. Now imagine not being able to focus on just one of those sounds letting he other sounds go to the background. They won’t go to the background, each of those sounds blend together into one loud painful sound because you can’t seem to separate them. You could separate the sounds yesterday but today you are tired, someone upset you, or you are overwhelmed already. The only way to escape that one loud sound that of course is really a bunch of sounds, is to cover your ears, ideally put on some noise cancelling headphones….damn you really need to get away from all that stimuli. And omg….on any day if you are scraping your fork on your plate your spoon in your cup …just writing about it is giving me horrible goosebumps shudders (or any similar sound…nails on chalkboard comes to mind as does whistling)

Smell – I can smell everything, I can smell some things that you can’t. I get good naturedly teased that I have a hound dog nose. Your perfume and cologne make me dizzy. Your natural body odors, the ones everyone has, you know, the way your skin smells, the way your pits smell… I know its all natural. You can’t control what your body wants to smell like, I mean personal hygiene helps immensely ;) lol.
In my every day life, the smells of people don’t bother me too much, unless they don’t have good hygiene.
Too many smells in the same room/ area near which I’m standing make me feel dizzy, nauseous, and want to faint sometimes even sometimes will make me cry from being overwhelmed. The stronger the smells the worse I feel

Thirst - Unless I am already getting dehydrated I do not know to drink. I don’t get traditionally thirsty. If my mouth and lips are dry, I am lightheaded, or tired for no reason I begin to suspect that I should be drinking more and realize I am thirsty (more likely dehydrating).
I try to make up for this by putting an app on my phone that reminds me every so often that I should be drinking. It doesn’t exactly work if I decide to ignore it. Bad Girl don’t ignore your phone telling you to drink! lol

Hunger – Again I don’t get traditionally hungry. I have acid reflux. This is my biggest hunger indicator. If I haven’t eaten the acid will build up and make me feel awful (like my stomach is eating itself) . Wanting to throw up and heartburn are the biggest indicators. Dizziness or just feeling sick with being unsure why I feel sick is another indicator.
I try to make up for this by eating at the exact same time every day. Three meals and two snacks. The only problem with this is if I am not at home and I did not have any food I could bring that wouldn’t spoil and I have no access to food. Then I forget to eat until I feel sick.

Equilibrium and motor skills- Have you ever watched me walk when I’m tired? Or sometimes when I’m not even tired? I feel as though I look like I’m drunk sometimes when I’m walking. Tripping over my own feet, swaying, trying not to fall over. I really have to concentrate when I walk many days.
If you see bruises all over me its from being clumsy. I am constantly walking into walls and furniture and the corners of things, my spatial awareness is rough around the edges lol. Spatial awareness also included when I go to grab for a drink and I knock it over (that’s why I prefer my water bottle with a tight lid lol) or I reach for something and drop it.
I’m not sure what its called but I don’t know how tightly I am, or am not holding something, causing me to drop things….this is why I say I would prefer not to hold something breakable lol.
Between the not knowing how tight I am holding something and my lack of spatial awareness, if I am trying to hand you something, I might think you have taken it from me when you have not and I will let go….or I will think you don’t have it yet and you will try to take it and I won’t let go because I’m afraid of dropping it.

Time Perception – Remember what I wrote about ADHD? The part about hyperfocus? Autism brings a time perception problem my way. It’s hard for me to describe other then to say that my memories are out of order, I think things have happened more or less recently then what they have, or I don’t have my memories of certain things, and I have no concept of time. If it were not for clocks, timers, alarm clocks, and the position of the sun….i would never know what time it is or how long I have been somewhere or been doing something. One day I sat on a park bench people watching, bug watching, bird watching, squirrel watching lmao and I got there at lunch time…I though I was only there for like maybe an hour…but then it started to get dark and I realized I had been there more like 5 hours.


Touch- I am going to touch on touch in it’s own post.

About me: PTSD, anxiety, and depression

Originally posted 12/3/16

The short version of why I have PTSD is that I was emotionally abused by my peers, physically and spiritually abused by my mother, molested by a trusted neighbor, and raped, even brutally raped, by very close friends and neighbors, people I trusted with my life.

As I have been learning more about all the things about me I have realized just how much this merges into every aspects of my life, including heightened symptoms of my ADHD, Heightened my already heightened senses from autism, Made my depression, self esteem, and ability to recognize self worth worse, and has taken what used to be just anxiety over small things to a whole new level.

A few things that I know are caused by my PTSD:
Flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. A few triggers I can think of…One day it was something a child said that perhaps reminded me of something a child had said to me when I was growing up. Another time I swore I saw the face of one of the guys who hurt me but I felt it couldn’t have possibly been him. If someone laughs “at me” or I think they are laughing at me although later Ioften realize the situation really was laughable, but in the moment I become hurt. If someone says Grayson, Steven, or Salvador I look around expecting to see the faces of those guys who hurt me, it doesn’t bring flashbacks anymore, but it makes me more aware of my surroundings. Any form of belittling a person who got raped brings a load of emotions and anger and sometimes panic attacks, or a moment of believing it is true about me “you shouldn’t have worn that”, “ you shouldn’t have been drinking”, “if you weren’t in his bedroom…”, “you cant say you don’t want to do it anymore halfway through!”

Paranoia. I almost always believe that no one has good intentions for me, it is very hard for me to trust that you aren’t waiting for just the right opportunity to humiliate me or abuse me.
If you see me standing against a wall, freaking out when someone is standing behind me, sitting in the corner booth at a restaurant, watching everyone In the room like a hawk know I’m probably feeling paranoid and/or anxious.

I have a lot of anxiety. I care way too much about what people think of me. I will dwell on a conversation and think how it could have gone differently, if I should have stood up for myself or if I should have had a comeback to something. I think about it constantly….its a problem. Another anxiety is
A sort of germaphobe type of thing. If I am in a room with someone who is sick or coughing I probably
Wont stick around long, I wash my hands way too much, I won’t eat anything if there is even a small possibility someone has touched it. (I have to have the first bowl of chips from the bag, the first cookie from the carton ect. ) There is a huge possibility I wont eat it if I think someonetouched it. This depends on the day though, if I’m feeling sick and have to eat no mater what, or what kind of things have bothered me the rest of the day …like if I have been overwhelmed or overstimulated recently its less possible I will eat it, instead of like, on a day where things have gone smoothly I might not think twice about eating it. Oh and I wipe down like…the entire shopping cart before I use it lol.

Social phobia. What this means for me is that I have extreme anxiety in social situations where I may need to try something I have never tried before. Anxiety about making mistakes, looking bad in front of others, being embarrassed, or being humiliated.
Before you say “oh but we would never do or say anything make you feel that way!” you don’t have to. I make myself feel that way with no help from anyone else.

An example in the form of a true story.
I was very excited that I was going out with M and his girlfriend Q. They were taking me to a pool hall and were going to teach me the basics of playing pool. I was looking forward to it. We arrived, got some drinks, found a place to sit, and chatted for a while. There was no one there but us because it was he middle of the day, the lights were normal no flashing lights or anything, and no loud noises…a good environment for me. Q told me all the traditional rules of playing pool, how to hold the stick, the best ways to aim for the ball. M and Q played a few games, having me watch them and verbalizing each thing they thought was important for me to know. After they played a few games they handed me a pool stick and said “come on, don’t worry about messing up, just have fun!”
Guess what happens next. I flip out. I imagine them taunting, teasing, and humiliating me and I start crying, I feel myself having a total panic attack and run to my car and lock the door. M and Q come out to talk to me and I refuse to talk to them, I get myself calm enough to drive home and M and Q never talk to me again.
That my friends, is my form of social phobia/paranoia.

New P.S. That man who was voted in as president has said multiple things over the past year (and before that) that have triggered my PTSD, full on PTSD flashbacks , nightmares, panic attacks….all the things that I havn’t had a problem with in a long time have come flooding back.

I don’t remember where I read this but it is true. “PTSD is not that you won’t let go of the past. It’s that the past won’t let go of you”

About me: ADHD and Learning Disorders (Crossposted)

Originally posted this 12/3/16


I was told that my ADHD is actually a symptom of my autism. I haven’t gotten much clarification on that one yet though.

There is a symptom of ADHD that people do not understand. It is called Hyperfocus, I have both hyperfocus and distractibility. Hyperfocus happens when you really like something or are really good at something you tend to focus on it fully and if no one or nothing interrupts you then you just don’t stop. You get lost in your project. For me it is puzzles, making charts, making lists, writing stories, reading, and playing phone games or occasionally computer games.

Distractibility comes with almost anything else I do. I can miss important details, become distracted easily, get bored very quickly, have trouble keeping myself organized if I don’t make a million lists, I lose everything, get confused very easily, daydream a lot, and have trouble processing information at the same rate as other people do.

My diagnosed learning disorders involve math and articulating writing. It takes so much focus, control, willpower, and proofreading for me to write something that other people will understand.

I find that a way to make my life a lot better is for me to make very clear schedules for myself (like, every fifteen minutes, including brush your teeth, eat, get dressed) I also always write on my calendar that my appointments are earlier then what they are. So if my appointment is at 10 I write 9:30 on my calendar. I don’t usually process the memory that I do this, so its rare for me to think to myself “hey I wrote that half hour early I have plenty of time”

Another thing I do is I make lists. For everything. The number of items I need, the number of things I have to get done, what order I need to do things in, a list of each item, a list of each person ect.

Even though my phone has groups I group my contacts in my phone with characters such as ~ -  ! *

Like family is - 

So it would be in my phone as

-Mom

-Dad

-Rocky

Friends are !

So it would be in my phone as

!Ann

!Crys

!AL

Specific special group of friends is * so it would be

*Kyle

*Bonny

*Jace

Buisness are ~

So it would be

~Pharmecy

~Walmart

~ pizza hut

About me (Cross Post)

I am Autistic. I have PTSD, anxieties, clinical depression, ADHD (inattentive type), and some learning disorders. Often the symptoms of these things merge.

I have not had PTSD forever (duh lol).
My anxiety could be from my PTSD but I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t anxious.
The earliest memory of depression is 8 years old, I tried to kill myself because I was so overwhelmed with the emotions. My mom told me that I was depressed because I was a bad kid and god was punishing me.

The ADHD and learning disorders affected every aspect of school. I was homeschooled sometimes and other times I went to a private school through the church I grew up in. It was so easy to cheat, and I did. (I did finally get my GED as an adult though, no cheating involved, yay me)

I’m sorry if I write as in a strange way, if you have ever spoken to me you know that I communicate this way. I list things out, over clarify things, and explain myself more then needed. When I get into telling you a story about an experience it will come out much better (I hope).

My attempts at important conversations

Originally I posted this 1/30/17. 


I plan important conversations. My tone of voice, my body language, my words and sentenced are rehearsed. I plan for three reactions from the other person good, bad, or neutral. What I don't plan for is things like this

Me in my head: ok i really want to talk to alien x about where he parked his spaceship. I will be respectful and kind and say "alien x, I known you chose to park here and it's hard to move a spaceship but I can't get to work because my parking spot is blocked" I will smile and not use an accusatory tone, if he says no i will insist.
Me: hey alien x nice weather huh?
Alien x: uhm yeah, hey I'm kind of busy right now, can we talk later?
Me: oh uhm no problem I just wanted to ask you a question
Alien x: turns and waits for me to talk
Me mumbling: can uhm I mean uhm cars uhm spaceships uhm
Alien x: look I really got get back to what I was doing, I'm sorry
Me: angry with myself taking it out on alien x : just move your damn spaceship so I can get to work dude!

Or

Me in my head: I'm going to tell my best friend, who I know will do anything for me, about this thing I need and only she can help me with it because I trust her more then anyone else. I will bring up the subject and if she responds in a positive way I will tell her that it is something I need and ask her to help me. If she responds negatively to the subject I wil find out why she feels that way and then drop the subject. If she doesn't have an opinion on the subject i will talk more about it before asking for help.
Me: hey friend can we talk for a minute? Its important
Friend: yeah sure what's up?
Me: ...
Friend: are you ok?
Me: uhm...yeah...so uhm...
Friend: waits patiently
Me: right...so you know that...
Person interrupts: hey friend can I get your help over here for a minute?
Friend: I'm in the middle of something hold on
Me: nah you go, it can wait
Friend: go ahead and tell me
Me lying: I don't remember what i was going to say
Friend: hesitantly walks away

Me under my breath: damnit I almost actually got the words out this time

Sensory overload at work today (Cross posted)

I posted originally 3/28/17

So today I went to work tired and in pain. I figured I was only going to be folding bags for the food drive so it shouldn't be a big deal. They usually put me in the break room with the bags and let me work by myself. Well...today they put three kids and two adults in the room with me.
I was doing ok, I mean I had to stop myself from fixing their piles and doing everything for them but I was ok. The little boy had his music blaring on his phone, the big kids were bickering, and the lady next to me was annoying but I was still doing pretty good.
Then someone in the kitchen dropped some pans, and a door slammed. I could feel it, my head started to pound, I couldn't breathe and I started to get lightheaded. I stood up and almost fell over.
One of the ladies asked me if I was ok and I babbled incoherently and wobbled to the bathroom. I hid in the bathroom for ten minutes or so to calm myself down and stop shaking and just get control of myself.

Now. Maybe I'm wrong. But if I saw someone almost fall over and start babbling incoherently I would go check on then to make sure everything is ok. No one did but I was fine, I went back to work and no one even asked me what happened. I did tell my supervisor, in case someone actually was worried and brought it up. She told me as long as I'm in the break room (not in the warehouse because its dangerous) I can start wearing my earmuffs.

Gamestop

I have often wondered why I get sick in this gamestop every single time. It made no sense to me. And then yesterday I reviewed my surroundings.

Florescent lights that flicker
Small store with crowded shelves
The floor seems to move a bit in spots, maybe the carpet has bubbles
The tv and the sample game systems making noises in the background....sometimes shooting noises

When I walk into the store my equilibrium becomes out of whack. I start to sway and walk like a drunk person And have to hold on to the displays or counter or whoever happens to be with me to keep myself from feeling like I will fall. Sometimes I get nauseous. My hands start to tremble (apparently they do it when I'm stressed along with random other times) so I'm afraid to pick things up because i might drop all the things.

At least I don't get sensory overload, but out of whack equilibrium isn't all that fun either.

I'm not going to stop going to this gamestop...I like the people who work at this gamestop. I know it will all be over when I leave the store and unscramble my head.
It is possible it annoys the hell out of those around me or people who don't know me (and some who do) but I don't care.

Sensory overload at Wal-Mart

Origjnally posted 12/14/16.


So yesterday I went to the store for groceries. I'm not sure what set me off at first I felt fine when I went into the store. After about ten minutes a started to see a light flickering, then I heard a squeaky cart, I started smelling the bakery and the deli, I felt myself getting dizzy, the kind of dizzy when the room is spinning. I don't even have half of my shopping done yet.

I start hearing the voices of all the people nearby, I can hear the lights and the fridge, its all starting to sound like one loud annoying humming noise. The smells of everyone's perfumes and body orders and baby spit up mix in with the deli and bakery...I feel like im going to pass out.

I space out. I lean against a piller, slide to the floor, close my eyes, and breathe. I don't really know anymore if anyone is around me. I don't think I have actually passed out, I've just gotten my brain to believe im not there. I can't hear, smell, or see anything. I have shut down. If someone touches me I might scream.

I shouldn't shut down at the store but the alternative is having a panic attack...or falling and hitting my head.

I hear someone saying my name and a coat wrap around me. My Husband picks me up off the floor and holds me. I forgot he was there....he came to the store with me but he wasn't shopping with me, he was looking at video games. 

He pulls me out of it and stays with me as I finish shopping, distracting me from everything. I don't usually have this much trouble at the grocery store but I guess I was having a bad day.

When I get to the car my head is pounding and I can't drive. I put on my headphones, close my eyes, and let him drive.

People wonder why I hate leaving the house. I never know when I'm going to go into sensory overload. Sometimes I can spend hours at a crowded store and not have a problem. Yesterday the store wasn't even crowded and I had a problem.


I took a nap after I put away groceries lol.

My alternate reality

The dream was showing me who I would be if I hadn't been through all the bad things I went through.

Trigger warning. Mentions of rape, child abuse, and bullying

I met alternate reality me in a dream.

She still grew up in the same religion and she still had autism and learning disabilities.

Even with all the good things in her life. I wouldn't change a thing. Because she had no compassion for others. She judged everyone. Her sense of empathy was obsolete. She had no true friends. She didn't know how to live for herself, she always needed to live for someone else.

She learned at an early age that she was autistic and what it meant for her. This means she wasn't as horribly bullied. Because the kids knew why she was quirky. The other kids didnt get angry with her when she “stared at them” because they knew she wa spaced out and they just happened to be in her line of sight. She worked through problems in occupational therapy. The kids didn't bully her for being a crybaby because she learned alternate ways to deal with mean kids.

BUT. Because she wasn't bullied she never made friends with the girl down the street S who's dad was molesting and raping her and S committed suicide because she didn't have a best friend to confide in. She never made friends with the girl A who taught her that there was so much more to life then religion. She never became friends with the boy who taught her that not all guys are scum. She never became friends with the foster kids in her church because she didn't have compassion for those who were picked on because she was never picked on. She never learned about the foster care system or what it does to kids.

Her learning disabilities were caught early, so she had special tutors and never got beat by her mom for doing poorly in school. She never cheated and was able to graduate, she didn't need to get a GED.

BUT. She never learned compassion for others with learning disabilities that never got help, she thought they were just stupid.

She never got raped by her best friend, molested by her neighbor, raped by a man who should have been protecting her, or raped by the stranger who made her feel worthless.

BUT. Yet again she had no compassion, she didn't advocate for the other girl who was also molested by the neighbor and he went free and continued to hurt people. Yet another person she could have been close to committed suicide because she was never in this person's life.

She never got ran over by a hay-wagon when she was 13 because she had no best friend to urge and push her to try something new, she sat on the sidelines and watched the hayride from a distance.

BUT she never tried anything new. She was worse then I am (and I am very bad about not trying new things)

She stayed in her parent's cultish church and instead of marrying a wiccan man and having 2 beautiful children she married a missionary and traveled so much she didn't have time for kids,

BUT yikes....staying in that church....she was a different person. So full of judgment for anyone and everything different from her, I was glad she had no children. I felt sorry for her for never having seen this big beautiful world. For learning that wiccans were not devil worshipers. That there is so much love in the world outside.

Her mother never beat her and belittled her and told her that psychiatry was of the devil.

BUT just another reason not to have compassion for others.

She never went on the forums and chat rooms and 3D chat-rooms where I learned that there was this thing called BDSM. So even more of the outside world she never experienced. Never met a new group of awesome friends. She didn't even have any real true friends.

Seeing this alternate reality made me realize. Even though the things that have happened to me in my life were terrible and I would never wish them on my worst enemies. Even though I have these things that make me different like all my mental, emotional, and neurological problems. Even though my children stress me out and occasionally feel like a horrible mother for not being able to help them. I wouldn't change any of it. Because I don't like the lack of compassion, empathy, meaningful friendships, and overall life experiences that I saw in the alternate me.

The video game theory

So I have read a lot of theories; the spoon theory, the gas tank theory, the phone battery theory, and the broken gauge theory. Those damn energy fairies are such tricksters.

So lets say a typical person starts each day in their personal game of life with 1,000 energy points. Each activity of the day costs them the same amount of points every single time. Let's say brushing teeth only costs 5EP, every single time, no matter what. Going to work 8 hours costs 400EP, every single time; unless its stressful; then it costs them 500EP; and so on with activities of the day. If they run out of points they can take a nap, eat a meal, meditate, or whatever it is that recharges them to win back a certain amount of points. It's the same amount of points every time. A half an hour nap wins back 200EP or a meal wins back 50EP and so on. They usually know what they can and cannot do.  If they make plans after work, they know that if they take a nap before they go, they will have enough energy to enjoy themselves. They know that if they overspend their EP all they have to do is eat a quick meal, take a quick nap or sit back and relax and they will start to refill.

Now lets say there is person with a hidden illness, neurological difference, or other things(in my case, autism, PTSD, depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, learning disorders, ADHD,  OCD, GERD, and chronic pain). This person plays their personal game of life but the game is on a randomizer. The day could start with 1,000EP, 50EP, noEP , or anything in between. On top of not knowing how many EP you get at the start of the day you also don't know how much each activity will cost. Today brushing my teeth could cost me 5EP and tomorrow it could cost me 100EP. Today going on a 4 hour shift could cost me 200EP and tomorrow it could cost me 1,000EP. A half an hour nap could win 200EP or it could DRAIN 200EP. Eating a meal could win me 50EP or it could only win me 10EP. This person hates to make plans because if they wake up with noEp and drain themself even more during the day because life is an important game but then take a week to catch up then it is difficult to know they will be able to keep their plans, or they do keep their plans and just make things worse for themselves.

Let's say this one day looks like this
Wake up today: 500EP
Eat breakfast: +50EP = 550EP
Get kids ready for school: -100EP = 450EP
Go to Appointment waiting room:-200EP = 250EP
Go to Appointment: -50EP = 200EP
Eat a meal: +50EP = 250EP
Take a nap:-100EP = 150EP (damn nap hangover)
Try to relax and get bombarded by stresses:-150EP = NoEP
Write a story or a blogpost:+100EP
Eat a snack:+10EP = 110EP
Kids home from school with drama: -200EP = - 90EP
Something happy happens with the kids: +100EP = 10EP
Cook dinner: -200EP = -190EP
Put kids to bed -300EP = -490EP
Watch TV before bed: +100EP  = -390EP
(This is not even taking into account the energy spent on brushing teeth, taking a shower, getting dressed, or other little things the day requires)

Next day wake up with 800EP YAY, dunno how that happened but i will take it! Start the next day and hope not to overspend this time.