My alternate reality

The dream was showing me who I would be if I hadn't been through all the bad things I went through.

Trigger warning. Mentions of rape, child abuse, and bullying

I met alternate reality me in a dream.

She still grew up in the same religion and she still had autism and learning disabilities.

Even with all the good things in her life. I wouldn't change a thing. Because she had no compassion for others. She judged everyone. Her sense of empathy was obsolete. She had no true friends. She didn't know how to live for herself, she always needed to live for someone else.

She learned at an early age that she was autistic and what it meant for her. This means she wasn't as horribly bullied. Because the kids knew why she was quirky. The other kids didnt get angry with her when she “stared at them” because they knew she wa spaced out and they just happened to be in her line of sight. She worked through problems in occupational therapy. The kids didn't bully her for being a crybaby because she learned alternate ways to deal with mean kids.

BUT. Because she wasn't bullied she never made friends with the girl down the street S who's dad was molesting and raping her and S committed suicide because she didn't have a best friend to confide in. She never made friends with the girl A who taught her that there was so much more to life then religion. She never became friends with the boy who taught her that not all guys are scum. She never became friends with the foster kids in her church because she didn't have compassion for those who were picked on because she was never picked on. She never learned about the foster care system or what it does to kids.

Her learning disabilities were caught early, so she had special tutors and never got beat by her mom for doing poorly in school. She never cheated and was able to graduate, she didn't need to get a GED.

BUT. She never learned compassion for others with learning disabilities that never got help, she thought they were just stupid.

She never got raped by her best friend, molested by her neighbor, raped by a man who should have been protecting her, or raped by the stranger who made her feel worthless.

BUT. Yet again she had no compassion, she didn't advocate for the other girl who was also molested by the neighbor and he went free and continued to hurt people. Yet another person she could have been close to committed suicide because she was never in this person's life.

She never got ran over by a hay-wagon when she was 13 because she had no best friend to urge and push her to try something new, she sat on the sidelines and watched the hayride from a distance.

BUT she never tried anything new. She was worse then I am (and I am very bad about not trying new things)

She stayed in her parent's cultish church and instead of marrying a wiccan man and having 2 beautiful children she married a missionary and traveled so much she didn't have time for kids,

BUT yikes....staying in that church....she was a different person. So full of judgment for anyone and everything different from her, I was glad she had no children. I felt sorry for her for never having seen this big beautiful world. For learning that wiccans were not devil worshipers. That there is so much love in the world outside.

Her mother never beat her and belittled her and told her that psychiatry was of the devil.

BUT just another reason not to have compassion for others.

She never went on the forums and chat rooms and 3D chat-rooms where I learned that there was this thing called BDSM. So even more of the outside world she never experienced. Never met a new group of awesome friends. She didn't even have any real true friends.

Seeing this alternate reality made me realize. Even though the things that have happened to me in my life were terrible and I would never wish them on my worst enemies. Even though I have these things that make me different like all my mental, emotional, and neurological problems. Even though my children stress me out and occasionally feel like a horrible mother for not being able to help them. I wouldn't change any of it. Because I don't like the lack of compassion, empathy, meaningful friendships, and overall life experiences that I saw in the alternate me.