My attempts at important conversations

Originally I posted this 1/30/17. 


I plan important conversations. My tone of voice, my body language, my words and sentenced are rehearsed. I plan for three reactions from the other person good, bad, or neutral. What I don't plan for is things like this

Me in my head: ok i really want to talk to alien x about where he parked his spaceship. I will be respectful and kind and say "alien x, I known you chose to park here and it's hard to move a spaceship but I can't get to work because my parking spot is blocked" I will smile and not use an accusatory tone, if he says no i will insist.
Me: hey alien x nice weather huh?
Alien x: uhm yeah, hey I'm kind of busy right now, can we talk later?
Me: oh uhm no problem I just wanted to ask you a question
Alien x: turns and waits for me to talk
Me mumbling: can uhm I mean uhm cars uhm spaceships uhm
Alien x: look I really got get back to what I was doing, I'm sorry
Me: angry with myself taking it out on alien x : just move your damn spaceship so I can get to work dude!

Or

Me in my head: I'm going to tell my best friend, who I know will do anything for me, about this thing I need and only she can help me with it because I trust her more then anyone else. I will bring up the subject and if she responds in a positive way I will tell her that it is something I need and ask her to help me. If she responds negatively to the subject I wil find out why she feels that way and then drop the subject. If she doesn't have an opinion on the subject i will talk more about it before asking for help.
Me: hey friend can we talk for a minute? Its important
Friend: yeah sure what's up?
Me: ...
Friend: are you ok?
Me: uhm...yeah...so uhm...
Friend: waits patiently
Me: right...so you know that...
Person interrupts: hey friend can I get your help over here for a minute?
Friend: I'm in the middle of something hold on
Me: nah you go, it can wait
Friend: go ahead and tell me
Me lying: I don't remember what i was going to say
Friend: hesitantly walks away

Me under my breath: damnit I almost actually got the words out this time

Sensory overload at work today (Cross posted)

I posted originally 3/28/17

So today I went to work tired and in pain. I figured I was only going to be folding bags for the food drive so it shouldn't be a big deal. They usually put me in the break room with the bags and let me work by myself. Well...today they put three kids and two adults in the room with me.
I was doing ok, I mean I had to stop myself from fixing their piles and doing everything for them but I was ok. The little boy had his music blaring on his phone, the big kids were bickering, and the lady next to me was annoying but I was still doing pretty good.
Then someone in the kitchen dropped some pans, and a door slammed. I could feel it, my head started to pound, I couldn't breathe and I started to get lightheaded. I stood up and almost fell over.
One of the ladies asked me if I was ok and I babbled incoherently and wobbled to the bathroom. I hid in the bathroom for ten minutes or so to calm myself down and stop shaking and just get control of myself.

Now. Maybe I'm wrong. But if I saw someone almost fall over and start babbling incoherently I would go check on then to make sure everything is ok. No one did but I was fine, I went back to work and no one even asked me what happened. I did tell my supervisor, in case someone actually was worried and brought it up. She told me as long as I'm in the break room (not in the warehouse because its dangerous) I can start wearing my earmuffs.

Gamestop

I have often wondered why I get sick in this gamestop every single time. It made no sense to me. And then yesterday I reviewed my surroundings.

Florescent lights that flicker
Small store with crowded shelves
The floor seems to move a bit in spots, maybe the carpet has bubbles
The tv and the sample game systems making noises in the background....sometimes shooting noises

When I walk into the store my equilibrium becomes out of whack. I start to sway and walk like a drunk person And have to hold on to the displays or counter or whoever happens to be with me to keep myself from feeling like I will fall. Sometimes I get nauseous. My hands start to tremble (apparently they do it when I'm stressed along with random other times) so I'm afraid to pick things up because i might drop all the things.

At least I don't get sensory overload, but out of whack equilibrium isn't all that fun either.

I'm not going to stop going to this gamestop...I like the people who work at this gamestop. I know it will all be over when I leave the store and unscramble my head.
It is possible it annoys the hell out of those around me or people who don't know me (and some who do) but I don't care.

Sensory overload at Wal-Mart

Origjnally posted 12/14/16.


So yesterday I went to the store for groceries. I'm not sure what set me off at first I felt fine when I went into the store. After about ten minutes a started to see a light flickering, then I heard a squeaky cart, I started smelling the bakery and the deli, I felt myself getting dizzy, the kind of dizzy when the room is spinning. I don't even have half of my shopping done yet.

I start hearing the voices of all the people nearby, I can hear the lights and the fridge, its all starting to sound like one loud annoying humming noise. The smells of everyone's perfumes and body orders and baby spit up mix in with the deli and bakery...I feel like im going to pass out.

I space out. I lean against a piller, slide to the floor, close my eyes, and breathe. I don't really know anymore if anyone is around me. I don't think I have actually passed out, I've just gotten my brain to believe im not there. I can't hear, smell, or see anything. I have shut down. If someone touches me I might scream.

I shouldn't shut down at the store but the alternative is having a panic attack...or falling and hitting my head.

I hear someone saying my name and a coat wrap around me. My Husband picks me up off the floor and holds me. I forgot he was there....he came to the store with me but he wasn't shopping with me, he was looking at video games. 

He pulls me out of it and stays with me as I finish shopping, distracting me from everything. I don't usually have this much trouble at the grocery store but I guess I was having a bad day.

When I get to the car my head is pounding and I can't drive. I put on my headphones, close my eyes, and let him drive.

People wonder why I hate leaving the house. I never know when I'm going to go into sensory overload. Sometimes I can spend hours at a crowded store and not have a problem. Yesterday the store wasn't even crowded and I had a problem.


I took a nap after I put away groceries lol.

My alternate reality

The dream was showing me who I would be if I hadn't been through all the bad things I went through.

Trigger warning. Mentions of rape, child abuse, and bullying

I met alternate reality me in a dream.

She still grew up in the same religion and she still had autism and learning disabilities.

Even with all the good things in her life. I wouldn't change a thing. Because she had no compassion for others. She judged everyone. Her sense of empathy was obsolete. She had no true friends. She didn't know how to live for herself, she always needed to live for someone else.

She learned at an early age that she was autistic and what it meant for her. This means she wasn't as horribly bullied. Because the kids knew why she was quirky. The other kids didnt get angry with her when she “stared at them” because they knew she wa spaced out and they just happened to be in her line of sight. She worked through problems in occupational therapy. The kids didn't bully her for being a crybaby because she learned alternate ways to deal with mean kids.

BUT. Because she wasn't bullied she never made friends with the girl down the street S who's dad was molesting and raping her and S committed suicide because she didn't have a best friend to confide in. She never made friends with the girl A who taught her that there was so much more to life then religion. She never became friends with the boy who taught her that not all guys are scum. She never became friends with the foster kids in her church because she didn't have compassion for those who were picked on because she was never picked on. She never learned about the foster care system or what it does to kids.

Her learning disabilities were caught early, so she had special tutors and never got beat by her mom for doing poorly in school. She never cheated and was able to graduate, she didn't need to get a GED.

BUT. She never learned compassion for others with learning disabilities that never got help, she thought they were just stupid.

She never got raped by her best friend, molested by her neighbor, raped by a man who should have been protecting her, or raped by the stranger who made her feel worthless.

BUT. Yet again she had no compassion, she didn't advocate for the other girl who was also molested by the neighbor and he went free and continued to hurt people. Yet another person she could have been close to committed suicide because she was never in this person's life.

She never got ran over by a hay-wagon when she was 13 because she had no best friend to urge and push her to try something new, she sat on the sidelines and watched the hayride from a distance.

BUT she never tried anything new. She was worse then I am (and I am very bad about not trying new things)

She stayed in her parent's cultish church and instead of marrying a wiccan man and having 2 beautiful children she married a missionary and traveled so much she didn't have time for kids,

BUT yikes....staying in that church....she was a different person. So full of judgment for anyone and everything different from her, I was glad she had no children. I felt sorry for her for never having seen this big beautiful world. For learning that wiccans were not devil worshipers. That there is so much love in the world outside.

Her mother never beat her and belittled her and told her that psychiatry was of the devil.

BUT just another reason not to have compassion for others.

She never went on the forums and chat rooms and 3D chat-rooms where I learned that there was this thing called BDSM. So even more of the outside world she never experienced. Never met a new group of awesome friends. She didn't even have any real true friends.

Seeing this alternate reality made me realize. Even though the things that have happened to me in my life were terrible and I would never wish them on my worst enemies. Even though I have these things that make me different like all my mental, emotional, and neurological problems. Even though my children stress me out and occasionally feel like a horrible mother for not being able to help them. I wouldn't change any of it. Because I don't like the lack of compassion, empathy, meaningful friendships, and overall life experiences that I saw in the alternate me.

The video game theory

So I have read a lot of theories; the spoon theory, the gas tank theory, the phone battery theory, and the broken gauge theory. Those damn energy fairies are such tricksters.

So lets say a typical person starts each day in their personal game of life with 1,000 energy points. Each activity of the day costs them the same amount of points every single time. Let's say brushing teeth only costs 5EP, every single time, no matter what. Going to work 8 hours costs 400EP, every single time; unless its stressful; then it costs them 500EP; and so on with activities of the day. If they run out of points they can take a nap, eat a meal, meditate, or whatever it is that recharges them to win back a certain amount of points. It's the same amount of points every time. A half an hour nap wins back 200EP or a meal wins back 50EP and so on. They usually know what they can and cannot do.  If they make plans after work, they know that if they take a nap before they go, they will have enough energy to enjoy themselves. They know that if they overspend their EP all they have to do is eat a quick meal, take a quick nap or sit back and relax and they will start to refill.

Now lets say there is person with a hidden illness, neurological difference, or other things(in my case, autism, PTSD, depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, learning disorders, ADHD,  OCD, GERD, and chronic pain). This person plays their personal game of life but the game is on a randomizer. The day could start with 1,000EP, 50EP, noEP , or anything in between. On top of not knowing how many EP you get at the start of the day you also don't know how much each activity will cost. Today brushing my teeth could cost me 5EP and tomorrow it could cost me 100EP. Today going on a 4 hour shift could cost me 200EP and tomorrow it could cost me 1,000EP. A half an hour nap could win 200EP or it could DRAIN 200EP. Eating a meal could win me 50EP or it could only win me 10EP. This person hates to make plans because if they wake up with noEp and drain themself even more during the day because life is an important game but then take a week to catch up then it is difficult to know they will be able to keep their plans, or they do keep their plans and just make things worse for themselves.

Let's say this one day looks like this
Wake up today: 500EP
Eat breakfast: +50EP = 550EP
Get kids ready for school: -100EP = 450EP
Go to Appointment waiting room:-200EP = 250EP
Go to Appointment: -50EP = 200EP
Eat a meal: +50EP = 250EP
Take a nap:-100EP = 150EP (damn nap hangover)
Try to relax and get bombarded by stresses:-150EP = NoEP
Write a story or a blogpost:+100EP
Eat a snack:+10EP = 110EP
Kids home from school with drama: -200EP = - 90EP
Something happy happens with the kids: +100EP = 10EP
Cook dinner: -200EP = -190EP
Put kids to bed -300EP = -490EP
Watch TV before bed: +100EP  = -390EP
(This is not even taking into account the energy spent on brushing teeth, taking a shower, getting dressed, or other little things the day requires)

Next day wake up with 800EP YAY, dunno how that happened but i will take it! Start the next day and hope not to overspend this time.