Originally posted 12/3/16
The short version of why I have PTSD is that I was emotionally abused by my peers, physically and spiritually abused by my mother, molested by a trusted neighbor, and raped, even brutally raped, by very close friends and neighbors, people I trusted with my life.
As I have been learning more about all the things about me I have realized just how much this merges into every aspects of my life, including heightened symptoms of my ADHD, Heightened my already heightened senses from autism, Made my depression, self esteem, and ability to recognize self worth worse, and has taken what used to be just anxiety over small things to a whole new level.
A few things that I know are caused by my PTSD:
Flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. A few triggers I can think of…One day it was something a child said that perhaps reminded me of something a child had said to me when I was growing up. Another time I swore I saw the face of one of the guys who hurt me but I felt it couldn’t have possibly been him. If someone laughs “at me” or I think they are laughing at me although later Ioften realize the situation really was laughable, but in the moment I become hurt. If someone says Grayson, Steven, or Salvador I look around expecting to see the faces of those guys who hurt me, it doesn’t bring flashbacks anymore, but it makes me more aware of my surroundings. Any form of belittling a person who got raped brings a load of emotions and anger and sometimes panic attacks, or a moment of believing it is true about me “you shouldn’t have worn that”, “ you shouldn’t have been drinking”, “if you weren’t in his bedroom…”, “you cant say you don’t want to do it anymore halfway through!”
Paranoia. I almost always believe that no one has good intentions for me, it is very hard for me to trust that you aren’t waiting for just the right opportunity to humiliate me or abuse me.
If you see me standing against a wall, freaking out when someone is standing behind me, sitting in the corner booth at a restaurant, watching everyone In the room like a hawk know I’m probably feeling paranoid and/or anxious.
I have a lot of anxiety. I care way too much about what people think of me. I will dwell on a conversation and think how it could have gone differently, if I should have stood up for myself or if I should have had a comeback to something. I think about it constantly….its a problem. Another anxiety is
A sort of germaphobe type of thing. If I am in a room with someone who is sick or coughing I probably
Wont stick around long, I wash my hands way too much, I won’t eat anything if there is even a small possibility someone has touched it. (I have to have the first bowl of chips from the bag, the first cookie from the carton ect. ) There is a huge possibility I wont eat it if I think someonetouched it. This depends on the day though, if I’m feeling sick and have to eat no mater what, or what kind of things have bothered me the rest of the day …like if I have been overwhelmed or overstimulated recently its less possible I will eat it, instead of like, on a day where things have gone smoothly I might not think twice about eating it. Oh and I wipe down like…the entire shopping cart before I use it lol.
Social phobia. What this means for me is that I have extreme anxiety in social situations where I may need to try something I have never tried before. Anxiety about making mistakes, looking bad in front of others, being embarrassed, or being humiliated.
Before you say “oh but we would never do or say anything make you feel that way!” you don’t have to. I make myself feel that way with no help from anyone else.
An example in the form of a true story.
I was very excited that I was going out with M and his girlfriend Q. They were taking me to a pool hall and were going to teach me the basics of playing pool. I was looking forward to it. We arrived, got some drinks, found a place to sit, and chatted for a while. There was no one there but us because it was he middle of the day, the lights were normal no flashing lights or anything, and no loud noises…a good environment for me. Q told me all the traditional rules of playing pool, how to hold the stick, the best ways to aim for the ball. M and Q played a few games, having me watch them and verbalizing each thing they thought was important for me to know. After they played a few games they handed me a pool stick and said “come on, don’t worry about messing up, just have fun!”
Guess what happens next. I flip out. I imagine them taunting, teasing, and humiliating me and I start crying, I feel myself having a total panic attack and run to my car and lock the door. M and Q come out to talk to me and I refuse to talk to them, I get myself calm enough to drive home and M and Q never talk to me again.
That my friends, is my form of social phobia/paranoia.
New P.S. That man who was voted in as president has said multiple things over the past year (and before that) that have triggered my PTSD, full on PTSD flashbacks , nightmares, panic attacks….all the things that I havn’t had a problem with in a long time have come flooding back.
I don’t remember where I read this but it is true. “PTSD is not that you won’t let go of the past. It’s that the past won’t let go of you”
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